This question has plagued me almost everyday for the past 3 months. My identity was so warped and wrapped up in my doing and my talents and my pursuit and my passion. Stepping back and stepping down has been overwhelmingly confusing. Who am I?

Some days I’m ok and I don’t think about “IT”

But other days I can’t avoid it or get away from it and I am faced with ugly feelings and ugly thoughts that I can’t turn off and they plague me so. Questions and criticism and judgement and pain. Watching others enjoying what was once my true love is painful. It would be easier to walk away from it if I knew I wouldn’t encounter it weekly, and sometimes daily. Like an ex-lover I have to face everyday, the wounds are still very raw.

It’s hard to know if I’m trying too hard to look back or fighting to look away. When it’s right in front of you it’s hard to distinguish. Like walking away from something and walking around the corner only to see it again. Gone only for a moment and faced with it over and over again. How do you let go of this? How am I supposed to feel? How am I supposed to handle the emotions that show up right alongside every sighting? These questions linger and remain unanswered. But a jarring response came nonetheless.


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