29

twenty-nine

twenty-nine years.

i can hardly believe it myself.

i’m certainly not ready to be 29. i feel as if i’m putting my brakes on…as if to say…WAIT!!! life hasn’t gone the way i thought it would these past ten years.

ten years ago i started college in the usa after spending the previous 5 years in australia. there was some adjusting for sure…but i was used to everything being different and new…after all i am a missionary kid…adabtability is just part of the package. i roll with . . . everything.

a thought just occurred to me…how is it that i want to be a grown up responsible adult…and yet with no idea of how to do that? isn’t that what you’re supposed to learn after 4 years in college? and post college life.

why is it that the older i get, the more helpless i feel?

in figuring out life and career and jobs and so completely stuck.

despite the 29 taunting gray hairs laughing at me reminding me that i’m growing older…

why do i continue to feel stuck

year

after

year

after

year

why did my natural giftings and talents have to make it so awfully difficult to find a stable occupation?

i’m not mad at God. I’m just awfully confused at the standstill and this place that i find myself in.

helpless. needy. overwhelmed. dizzy. drowning. in endless transition.

i’m very tempted to delete this. but i value this. this is me, real, raw and vulnerable.

of course i’ll have a fun day, or at least night. i’m super excited for the co+op open mic.

but none of the free stuff i get holds any meaning. free starbucks. woopee. no one to share it with.

but let’s just be honest. it really sucks being single on your birthday. it just sucks.

no fun office parties. no fun friend dates. no one to care.

sure that last bit may be partly a lie. but the feeling is all there.

as I started writing this I was listening to clinging to the cross, and as I wrote the last few lines Kim Walker was singing All I Need is You. And I know it’s true. but I also need community. i need to be loved.

I was sure I’d be married by now. Working an awesome job that I loved.  Living a thriving, flourishing life, full of joy.

Right now, I’d give anything for that last part, at least.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s