Ever wonder where the “You are here” sign is for your emotions and feelings? I’m feeling a lot of different emotions all at the same time that I don’t even know how I feel…I could use a “You feel this” sticker right about now…
It was weird being back at my home church tonight, for the first time in 7 weeks. It’s been different being home. I haven’t spent any time processing, thinking, or journaling in the past few days, since the night I was in Grand Junction, CO in a hotel on my way home. All I’ve done in the past 3 days is sleep, sleep, and sleep, and clean my room, begin to unpack and prepare my little home office corner in my room. There was one trip to Chick-fil-A for lunch and a few things from Target on Saturday afternoon…but beyond that…just sleeping. I am so thankful I had that night to debrief somewhat and rest in preparation for the final trip home.
And yet, here I am, uncertain what kind of feelings or emotions I may be experiencing. All of them…at the same time. Good and bad. Frustration and annoyance. This post is just part of the process…of my processing.
The road ahead is going to be difficult, and painstaking and time-consuming and surprising and joyous.
I think where my confidence lies is truly in Christ. I keep messing up and getting in the way, or allowing fear or other overwhelming feelings, thoughts or doubts creep in. In some ways I see myself in the story of Hosea, or at least what I remember from Redeeming Love having read it when I was 13, I see myself yo-yo-ing back and forth, running away from the very One who loves me greatly, cares for my every need and lavishes me with love. And yet, I run away. And he comes and finds me and picks me back up, cleans me back up and brings me back again.
Maybe next Sunday I’ll have a better answer for my friends and church family when they ask me about my Summer.
“So how was Colorado?” or “How was your Summer?” or “How are you?”
Side thought….For the record…at what point does one slip in to conversation…by the way, I’m a missionary now…?????
Here’s my answer so far…
It was amazing, I learned so much, about Theology and Doctrine, about how to study the Bible, I made so many new friends, and it was hard to leave them, I don’t think it has fully set in that I don’t get to see them everyday.
The hard part about being back home is that there aren’t any friends or roommates nearby to talk to, hang out with, or walk to the dining hall and eat together with. It’s very lonely and isolated. Seeing people once a week just doesn’t cut it. I fell in love with the constant community and crave that with every part of my being.
God taught me extra stuff outside of class too. He was working hard deep within me, reaching into the dark spaces that were holding onto control of my life. One week towards the end was particularly frustrating and difficult, like there was a real wall, a resistance that I was holding onto and refused to let go, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. By the fourth day, I finally felt some relief of the resistance, though it wasn’t over. Then, on our last night and at the end of our last session of our conference, I finally let go. I confessed to holding on, and trying to make sense of my own life, in my own way. I wept as I surrendered my gifts, hopes, dreams and plans for my future. Nothing makes sense when you line up the dots, not with music anyway, and I was holding tightly, grasping it for dear life.
In our second week of class, we were encouraged to be patient in our first couple years on staff. It is a training ground.
Nothing makes sense, but everything makes sense. It makes sense if I get out of the way and allow God to work through me and use me, as he desires. I can be confident in where I am, and where God has placed me, at this time, because only God could make sense of my mess, as I stumble through my own testimony, trying to make sense of it, and understand what parts of my story God wants me to tell, and to who. So much of my own story has continued to evolve or develop, even this past year, this past summer, even tonight as I write this. I have my share of insecurities, pride in my own abilities, and brokenness to continue to work through. But in spite of it all, in spite of myself, God makes all things beautiful in his time, and I can trust in His sovereign hands, for he is the same One who formed me, who gave me a love for music, and knows everything about me. For this, I can be confident that he will take care of me, and that he is faithful.
that’s the real me, right now. xoxo