I have a lot on my mind right now. I don’t even know what to say, what to share. I’m still trying to find the right balancing act and figure out on my online boundaries are, in an effort to guard my heart. Tricky when I want to be authentic, but guarded as a single girl. It’s confusing. What I am doing is working on my application for Campus Crusade, and making headway. (It’s really LONG!) I think I temporarily gave up on fawm. I had some tension and spiritual warfare stuff and so I allowed myself to temporarily ease up. Basically I quit. I admit, I am a quitter. I dream big and I quit fast. But I think I needed to give myself permission because so much other stuff needs to take priority. I am still writing songs. Just not rushing through them.
I realized that Satan was attacking me because he doesn’t want me to complete or turn in my application. All the more reason to finish it. I have to admit I do have fears and hesitations about this…it’s not my dream job. It’s a ministry (which I do want to do, just not anything I ever imagined . It’s a 2 year commitment and I get to raise my own support. The only thing I have to go on is that I feel* (deep within my heart and soul) God is compelling me to do this. (*I know I say feel alot…but I feel deeply…and i don’t just say it as a fleeting feeling or emotion….)
I have been learning a LOT about myself, whether it be envy, or my healing and growing, and just starting to see how everything connects and intertwines, from learning and studying for Membership and understanding the doctrine of indwelling sin and all sorts of stuff.
This sums up a lot…a tweet from last week:
healing. growing. seeing. learning. understanding. deep down. inside out.
Basically I feel deep within that God is putting things back together, softening hard and calloused edges, healing deeply, growing from the inside out. Even stuff I was unaware about. But God in his divine providence, and loving kindness knew what I needed, what my heart needed, what my soul needed, and what I needed to know at just the right time. And that is amazing.
And all of a sudden I understand all the waiting, all the past few years, the hard stuff, the pruning, the breaking, the slowing, the halting, the ending and changing of seasons, the tears. It’s all starting to make sense.