stopping for directions

a little over a week ago I felt this urging to plan a weekend away: to getaway and pray. i posted stuff on facebook and talked to a few people for ideas. a couple people mentioned a monastary, but Mrs. Zimbardi convinced me I wouldn’t like it. up until the last minute and i did some googling for hotel rates from here to temecula to san diego and after searching and searching, at 5 oclock on Friday I found an incredible deal for two nights at a hotel in san diego. my heart started racing and I decided to give myself a few minutes to think and decide.

i called my mom to seek her wisdom and pretty much decided at that point. when I got home, I went straight to the link and clicked “RESERVE” and entered my info and it was DONE.  I was thrilled, and absolutely extremely excited!!  AND I HAD peace and joy about my decision!! I had made a packing list in faith just 1 or 2 nights prior and packing was simple as I was going alone and had no need to dress to impress. I packed my comfy clothes and pjs, running shoes, and the basics. I printed a map and my reservation info and headed out the door.
my sanctuary: a spacious studio suite

you see, this getaway was needed because I didn’t want to begin a job search without some directions, or at least asking for God’s help.  I’m 4 weeks…wait…3 and a half weeks away from being out the door. I knew this day was coming and it was inevitable. In some ways it’s kind of freeing, especially for me, but I have a really hard time knowing what comes next, where to begin looking, and clueless as to what God has planned and where he is leading job-wise. oh yeah, and please no one remind me for the millionth time how difficult it is to find a job in our “poor economy.”

the thing is, i know what i want to do, and for the time being God has said wait. this makes the whole career-vocation-job thing extremely confusing. our culture even says do what you love, do you are passionate about. even admonishes us to “find our calling”

i want to enjoy my work. i want to have enthusiasm for what i do. i want to care, and I need more than $$ as my motivation to get up each morning. because it hasn’t been enough.
i’ve had a hard time with mornings since my dad died.  some days it’s worse than others. i think the core of it is really purpose. i have basically felt void of purpose in my work – my entire working life, with a small exception.

that sucks.

oh, i have interests. lots of them. anything music or ministry related: particularly worship. graphic design(dabble). higher education, student services positions, especially at a private university.  i really wrestle with this concept of work, earning a living and how the heck i’m suppose to do that, what it looks like in my life. school is something i consider often, but nothing has stuck out that much, and besides…I’d like to have a job before I go back to grad school. In case you didn’t realize…it’s expensive… I have ideas that I don’t know what to do with. I have strengths (strengths finder) that I don’t know what to do with. I feel inadequate for many things I could pursue. I want to do the one thing I’m supposed to do. and enjoy it. or at the least have a sense of purpose and enthusiasm and interest in that which I do.

I have dreams. and i don’t want to let fear get the better of me if God is calling me out.

A little over a month ago I heard this thought literally float from one side of my forehead to the other: “you write the songs; I’ll take care of the rest” if that is a true word from the Lord…and I know he is leading me in the songwriting area, where do my bills, expenses etc come in…how do they get paid?

I came away reluctantly, because the time was so sweet, filled with peace and joy, but still lacking any answers at this point, so i’ll continue to pray and seek God’s face…

joy and peace on my face…can you see it? i love the smell of the ocean.
I haven’t blogged in any length or depth in a while…I’m probably overly cautious. I’m cautious of putting too much out there, especially as I’m about to join the unemployed once again…I love blogging, and I miss it. Where do we draw the boundaries?  I hesitate when I’m asked questions about my interests, passions, hopes, dreams or the all popular: what do you want to do with your life? Interview questions make me want to vomit.

[ONE OF MY MANY] questions is how do you answer honestly…I don’t want the ways of the world to influence any of my decisions. I want the Lord to lead and guide and provide and  “Make me know the way I should go…teach me to do your will” Psalm 143:7-10 I know that he has established my steps. I know he has good things in store, and plans better than I can ask or imagine. But at the moment I haven’t a clue what the next step is, what colour, shape or what it smells like.

I still have lots of questions, and hopefully I’ll keep asking them and pursuing Christ and keeping my eyes fixed on him as he leads and guides me.

Point Loma/Sunset Cliffs, San Diego, CA


2 Comments Add yours

  1. I know this is gonna sound totally proverbial, but I’m being sincere.

    I think some questions are more about the “asking” than about the answer…

    I think you’re doing exactly what you should be doing right now. I think you’re looking in the mirror and figuring out what you see. I think you’re soul-searching. And I think you’re waiting.

    I also think you’ll find what you’re looking for. Until then, don’t feel the pressure to put it all on the blogosphere. We understand!

  2. Lori Jo says:

    oh Mandy, thank you so much for the encouragement. I think you are right too. I think asking questions helps to lead to other questions and eventually things start to make sense. I have learned that it’s ok to ask questions, I’ve done this alot in the past year or so, and I have found it helps a lot. Thanks for the blog hug xoxo :] and no thanks for the tears that almost surfaced…sigh. haha.

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