so i found a great new temporary home.

but if you’re dying to know what i’m up to, there’s always instagram :)

thanks,

keep up the prayers. send love letters. postcards. encouragement always needed.

xoxo

ttyl

stuck in a cycle of up and down and in need of a change. I have unintentionally isolated myself for the past month. I don’t know how to ask for help, because I don’t know what it is that I need help with. I feel like I’m at a tremendous low point. I’ve given up so many things. I’ve emptied myself more than I ever thought possible. The rewards have been tremendous. But I’m still in the process. And I hunger for abundance and joy and I don’t even know what I ought to say or do. I feel like I’m frozen in place. Not in time. Just unable to move. I’m so limp and I don’t know how to take another step. I’m frozen. broken. empty. uncertain. questions make no escape from lips. am I searching in the wrong places? am I ignoring and avoiding key areas of necessary growth? i don’t even know what my measuring stick looks like right now.  i don’t even know what parts of me are good and what parts need work. broken. the process is painful. am i that stubborn that it’s taking so long?

i feel like an aimless wanderer and have forgotten what joy tastes like.

light? joy? new? fresh? mercies? stability? hope? that’s what i need.

(that last bit….that’s what you can pray for)

*time to check on the cookies; they need a few more minutes*

As I have paused at various times throughout this weekend I have reflected on just how significant the month of February has now become, and may now become more permanently a time of reflection and remembrance for the years to come. One year ago today, on February 5th 2012, Pastor Nathan announced he and his family were moving to Chicago to start a church and the invitation for 20 adults to join them was made.

This is a picture taken before or after church that night, looking down Palmyrita Ave. 

*Cookie update: I just made a terrible batch of cookies… in case you were wondering. sad face. Is it possible for your flour to get old? Maybe I put too much flour. It is embarrassing to ruin cookies.*

Back to the story.  As I thought back to that day, I went searching through my Facebook timeline for some more clues after checking my iCalendar and noticing that I had attended a “Super UN Bowl” party that day and remembering that I had attended the 7pm service, as usual. I had spent the afternoon with my good friends, bringing my fresh veggie “pizzas” and hiding gummy bears on them wondering who would be the first to notice what “didn’t belong”.

It was a fun, nothing-unusual, typical kind of day for us. I think we ate, there might have been barbecue steak or something on the menu, and we probably watched a movie or two.

Jessica, pictured here and her boyfriend Aaron were the first two people whom I shared my desire to join the Chicago team, maybe even that same night, or the following week, and how appropriate that I had spent the day with them, on this very significant day.

They went to the 5pm service and I had homework to finish so I stayed behind and went to the tiny park behind Aaron’s house and laid in the warm sunshine while I journaled, studied and read. (I’m very eager to go back to this very page of my journal and see what I will find…)

I honestly don’t remember anything about this particular service, which I plan to rewatch at some point, maybe even tonight. There was no song that stuck out to me. In this moment, my heart began to beat to the pitter patter of this word: “Chicago. Chicago. Chicago” And in that moment I knew I wanted to be one of the 20. I went immediately to the website that Pastor Nathan referenced that night and the following week I emailed him that I would be joining the group to meet and would be actively praying about going to Chicago. I was reading through our email correspondence and reliving some of the emotions and thoughts I was experiencing at this time. It was a massive, major turning point for me. Everything that had taken place in the 2 years prior suddenly began to make sense. Questions I had from the previous Fall and Summer about applying, joining and later leaving Cru began to make sense. My understanding of what God was doing at this point in my life was that he had been preparing in me a willing heart to say yes to Chicago, and to take me on a new adventure.

And this Sunday, February 3rd 2013, we had our very first Sunday service in Chicago! 

that make you feel 2 feet tall

and very dizzy if you try to find the top of the building that you are standing next to

or dizzy if you take the elevator up and down a few too many times

or dizzy if you look out from the 26th floor and slowly glance down at the ant size people walking

//

as these buildings rise

my calling is to go lower.

less of me…

in the words of misty edwards (servant of all):

you got to go down, if you want to go up

you got to go lower, if you want to go higher and higher

in the inside–outside-upside down kingdom

where you lose to gain and you die to live

//

and this has not been easy. it’s still not. i’m still fighting it. still resisting the whispers and commands.

my response is to question, “why?” especially when it doesn’t make sense. it doesn’t “match” my giftings, knowledge or experience… I make excuses.  rather than to say, yes Lord. i react, i respond unwilling. i ignore.
why would you ask me to do THAT?
I don’t have anything to offer THEM.
I’m busy. I can’t. I don’t want to.

—> that one. —> I don’t want to. <—-

it seems to be the response that needs to be purged of the most. it’s easy to serve in areas that we love and are excited about. it’s much harder when we have to choose to do the one thing that we just. don’t. want. to. do.

servanthood does not come naturally.
going lower is my last choice, typically.

i’m learning how to start with servanthood.
i’m learning and taking baby steps to go down, to go lower.

to get off the throne that is not mine to sit on.

to reluctantantly obey.

and learning to obey sooner rather than later. and hoping that the more i do obey, the less reluctant i will be.

My top 100 played songs in 2012 according to Rdio – beginning with the 3 most played albums:

1. O My Soul – Audrey Assad – Heart
2. Slow – Audrey Assad – Heart
3. Something Real – Shawn McDonald – Closer
4. Even the Winter – Audrey – Heart
5. Jericho – Ben Cantelon – Running After You
6. Control – Shawn McDonald – Closer
7. Faithful – Shawn McDonald – Closer
   
8. Song of Moses – Aaron Keyes – Dwell
9. Hope – Shawn McDonald – Closer
10. The Space Between Us – Shawn McDonald – Closer
11. Blessed Are the Ones – Audrey Assad – Heart
12. Don’t Give Up – Shawn McDonald – Closer
13. Dwelling Place – Kari Jobe – Gateway Worship – The More I Seek You
    
14. Pursuit – Daniel Bashta feat. Kim Walker-Smith – The Sounds of Daniel Bashta
15. Faithful – Darlene Zschech – You Are Love
16. Stars in the Sky – Kari Jobe – Where I Find You
17. Your Great Name – Natalie Grant – Love Revolution
18. Closer – Shawn McDonald – Closer
    
19. Uncharted – Sara Bareilles – Kaleidoscope
20. Where You Go – Audrey Assad – Heart
21. New Song – Audrey Assad – Heart
    
22. Running – Kari Jobe – Gateway Worship – The More I Seek You
23. The Way You Move – Audrey Assad – Heart
24. We Exalt Your Name – Kari - Where I Find You
25. You Are More – Hillsong Live – God is Able
26. Better Way – Shawn McDonald – Closer
27. Find You On My Knees – Kari Jobe - Where I Find You
28. Here – Kari Jobe - Where I Find You
29. Love Came Down – Kari Jobe - Where I Find You
30. O The Blood – Kari Jobe – Gateway Worship – God Be Praised
31. Run To You – Kari Jobe - Where I Find You
32. We Are – Kari Jobe - Where I Find You
33. What Love is This – Kari Jobe - Where I Find You
34. Wide Awake – Katy Perry
35. Eyes Forward – Shawn McDonald – Closer
36. Lament – Audrey Assad – Heart
    
37. Stay – Jimmy Needham – Clear the Stage
38. Vous Etes Mon Coure – Gungor – Ghosts Upon the Earth
39. Breaking You – Audrey Assad – Heart
40. For The Honor – Elevation Worship – For The Honor
41. God Is Able – Hillsong Live – God is Able
42. Rise – Shawn McDonald – Closer
43. Sparrow – Audrey Assad – Heart
44. Won Me Over – Audrey Assad – Heart
45. Awakening – Hillsong Live – God is Able
46. Brother Moon – Gungor – Ghosts Upon the Earth
47. Clear the Stage – Jimmy Needham – Clear the Stage
48. He Leadeth Me – Candi Pearson-Shelton – Just As I Am
49. I Need a Father – Starfield – The Saving One
50. No Turning Back – Audrey Assad – Heart
51. O Come Let Us Adore Him – Hillsong – We Have  A Saviour
52. Outta My Mind – Anthem LIghts – Anthem Lights
53. Rise – Kari Jobe - Where I Find You
54. Rock Bottom – Jimmy Needham – Clear the Stage
55. Savior’s Here – Kari Jobe - Where I Find You
56. We the Redeemed – Hillsong Live – Faith Hope Love
57. Woodstock – Brooke Fraser – Flags Deluxe
    
58. Aftermath – Hillsong United – Aftermath
59. All the Poor and Powerless – All Sons & Daughters
60. Dwell – Aaron Keyes – Dwell
61. Mystery – Shawn McDonald – Closer
    
62. Nocturne/Bohemian Rhapsody – Lucia Micarelli – Music from a Farther Room
63. Steady My Heart – Kari Jobe - Where I Find You
64. Storms – Shawn McDonald – Closer
65. Your Love is Strong – Jon Foreman – Limbs and Branches
66. Children of the LIght – Hillsong Live – Cornerstone
67. Daddy’s Baby Girl – Jimmy Needham – Clear the Stage
68. Dancing in the Minefields – Andrew Peterson – Counting Stars
69. Father – Hillsong United – Aftermath
70. I Need You More – Bethel Live – Here is Love – Kim Walker-Smith
71. I Will Find You – Jimmy Needham feat. Lecrae – Clear the Stage
72. If I ever needed Grace – Jimmy Needham – Clear the Stage
73. Many Roads – Andrew Peterson – Counting Stars
74. One Desire – Kari Jobe - Where I Find You
75. Samarkand - Lucia Micarelli – Music from a Farther Room
76. You Are the Beauty – Gungor – Ghosts Upon the Earth
    
77. Arithmetic – Brooke Fraser – Live from Aeoto
78. Beneath the Waters – Hillsong Live – Cornerstone
79. CS Lewis Song – Brooke Fraser – Albertine
80. Coming back – Ben Cantelon – Running After You
81. Cornerstone – Hillsong Live – Cornerstone
82. Count On Me – Mat Kearney – Young Love
83. Down to the River to Pray – Alison Krauss – A Hundred Miles or More
84. God of All – Ben Cantelon – Running After You
85. God Be Praised – Gateway Worship – God Be Praised
86. Hymn – Brooke Fraser – Albertine
87. I Am Thine O Lord – Gateway Worship – The More I Seek You
88. In the Middle – Jimmy Needham – Clear the Stage
89. Known – Audrey Assad – The House You’re Building
    
90. Let Me Take You To Rio – Music from the Motion Picture Rio
91. Like Incense – Hillsong Live – A Beautiful Exchange
92. Like an Avalanche – Aftermath
93. Love is Waiting – Brooke Fraser – Albertine
94. The Magic Hour – Andrew Peterson – Counting Stars
95. Meditation from “Thais”  - Lucia Micarelli – Music from a Farther Room
96. My Hope is in You – Aaron Shust – This is What We Believe
97. Planting Trees – Andrew Peterson – Counting Stars
98. The Reckoning – Andrew Peterson – Counting Stars
99. All My Hope – Hillsong Live – Cornerstone
100. Baby Mine - Alison Krauss – A Hundred Miles or More

that growing up meant giving things up.

that “do whatever you want when you grow up” is a lie.

that growing up is hard work and working is hard.

nobody ever told me

that hard work is good for you

that you really don’t get to eat if you don’t work.

nobody ever told me

how hard obtaining a good job would be

nobody ever told me that pride is getting in the way

of everything.

until now.

I wish I could report that things are all well and good in my ‘hood.

Unfortunately I don’t have a job, my cell phone got turned off, and it’s very cold.

Thankfully, God has provided abundantly, graciously and faithfully for me this past month that I’ve been without a job, including one-day temp jobs here every week and three days at the end of the year. I have food and I have shelter, for this I am very grateful. And very hopeful that with the New Year obtaining a job will come easier. I hope to have a job offer very soon.

So please join me in praying for God to lead, direct and provide a new job very soon. Wherever it is that He wants me, that is where I want to be. I have very few ideas but am grateful to have a couple temp agencies on my side as it has made it much easier than searching on my own.

This has not been all bad mind you. I had a wonderful month with my roommates as we decorated and celebrated Advent and Christmas together. This past month has been a great time of bonding. Lots of wonderful church gatherings and time together. Lots of rest. And this whole time, the Lord has been faithful and continues to take care of me.

January – New Mercies; hopeful.

• Investing in healing. Counseling begins.
• Begin Leadership Intensive

February – Chicago. Can I go?

• Exposé begins. Epic. Co+op.*
• Chicago Community Group begins in Riverside
• Valentine’s Day babysitting = best Valentine dates ever*

March –  Seeking

• San Diego Getaway – saying Goodbye to SD
• Gungor LIVE – Ghost Upon The Earth Tour*
• Begin playing keys for Co+op band. Super challenging.

April – Easter. Confirmation received: Yes to Chicago. 

• LACMA, Light Garden, Little Ethiopia for Dinner with Steph*
• Easter*
• Catalyst West Coast volunteer for 3rd year
• Taxes
• The Color Run – Orange County – my first 5k!*

May – Soaking up the Cali Summer

• Mother’s Day/Women’s Gathering at Sandals. 
• Family Time*
• Friend’s Wedding*

June – Goodbyes and gigs

• Goodbye Riverside Gig

July – Transition and endings.

• Beloved Photoshoot.*
• Going away party.
• Pack up everything into my Corolla and drive across the country.*
• First day in Chicago with roomie #1 at the Bean*
• Watching the 2012 London Olympics from Chicago (my goal was to arrive in Chicago before the opening ceremony of the Olympics :)

August – New Home, New City

• Everything is new; everything is different. Culture shock.
• New home, new city, new job(s)

September/October – Fall

• John Mark McMillan Concert *
  
• Routines.
• Kari Jobe Concert
• Stripping away of leaves. Revealing their true selves.

November – Thankful and Thirty and Surrender

• Deeper surrender. Death of a dream.
• Celebrating #30in30
• Instagratitude
• Birthday fun: sister* + panini party + the Circus, Elephants, Chicago Symphony Orchestra, Gino’s Pizza and sister’s first train ride in the city
• Thanksgiving was delightful.

December – Advent: Waiting. Joy and Hope

• Putting up Christmas with the Roomies * :)
• Christmas all month long. Joyous.
• Provision. Dependent. Brokenness. Unripe.
• Happy New Year! Covered in prayers of blessing.

All asterisks* indicate that a corresponding picture is shown above. :)

Merry Christmas 2012!