you may recall my ungratefulness in the recent months.

i’m happy to say that i sense a transformation taking place.

in my last post i mentioned sunrise, simplifying and praise.

Praise.

I knew with my head, but I couldn’t, I just didn’t have it in my heart, outside of church and outside of singing along with music in my car, there was no praise taking place. I was slowly beginning to stop and thank the Lord for small things throughout the day or at the end of the day, but it was very small.  But all of a sudden, that change has begun to take place. There are no significant changes in my life, aside from one major small thing.

And this is why I feed my heart, my soul, and my ears with worship music constantly.

God always uses music to connect to me, to encourage me, to teach me, to push me.

I’ve been listening to heaps of new music this week and I was listening to Don Poythress and the song was “I will bless the Lord at all times” and at that moment my heart began to grow.

May his praise be ever on my lips, I said, as I tweeted that thought. And I want that to be true.

Ever on my lips. 

my theme for this year is: Sunrise.

my current season is going to be one of simplifying, sunrise, and praise. my goal for this photoshoot was to portray this new season, new hope, the light and glow of the sunrise and I am so excited how they turned out.

photos by the adorable Haley Brown

(Made with my new favorite app: bamboo paper.)

On Wednesday morning I went up to Mt. Rubidoux for the first time since I was a baby, apparently. I’ve been in this city for about 6 years since graduating and it was a first for me. The amazing thing is I went up there just before sunrise and fell in love with the view, it was just breathtaking to me how beautiful it was.

I went up to do a photoshoot and it was fun and I could not get over the view. My friend Haley took some awesome shots!! Those will be posted soon in various spots and profile pics and such. This is one I took on my phone as we hiked up.

I am so excited for the New Year. I am ready for a new start and to move forward.

This afternoon I sent them all an email today with each other’s contact information and  everyone invites to dropbox. Then, not long after I came home from Church, dropbox notified me that there were new files in our shared folder, and one of my new photographers had uploaded new pictures from last week. I just finished uploading the album to facebook and am just so excited.  It’s been awhile since I’ve been responsible for a team of people, and I am just stoked to love them and care for them and pray for them and have coffee with them!!

Please pray for me, I need my voice this week, as I’m supposed to be singing at our Christmas Imago Dei on Friday night.

Thank you! :)

I hope that this month and the coming days and weeks I can feel and experience the presence of God. That the work he has been doing inside me, in my soul and in my heart, the molding and the shaping, the pruning and the refining, that slowly some buds of fruit would begin to open. That healing would continue, that my eyes would be opened to things I don’t see, and don’t even know what wounds exist, that I would be strengthened and rely fully on the Lord, that I would find all my delight in the Lord, that he alone would be my source and my joy. Going back to some of the basics and relearning and trusting again.

Those are my words from the first day of November. As I reread those words last night, I thought about the process I have been going through in the past 28 days. It’s been a lot of what you’ve read here. Just processing and working through everything. I heard a quote once that it is through writing that we are able to think…and that is SO me. It puts them into words that don’t always makes sense until I see them with my eyes or hear them with my ears.

The first thought I had reading this was that God has answered this prayer. He has uncovered a part that I didn’t know hiding in a dark corner of my soul…in the ugly parts of my heart. So for that I am thankful. That it has been revealed, so that I can begin to deal with it, now that I know what it looks like.

And I keep going back to this song, You Are More, as different parts of this song stick out. Tonight the first few words stand out.

On the day I called
You answered me
And the hope in my soul increased
I lift my hands
And turn my eyes
To the God who heals my heart
And gives me peace

(sorry if parts of this were unclear…I’m on day 4 of some kind of sickness and my head’s quite fuzzy…ready to explode.)

It doesn’t help that my birthday being a few weeks prior always leads to reflection on my life and year and where I am and how unsuccessful I am and all the things that didn’t turn out the way I’d hope in that year.

Relationships, career, enjoying life and flourishing.

Instead, feeling two steps backwards. Goals always out of reach.

Thanksgiving has never been a big deal to me…I always chalk it up to the fact that I spent many years overseas…the primary thing it means in our house is the day dad cranks up Mannheim Steamroller and we pull out the Christmas decorations. That’s it. In recent years, I’ve taken on several side dishes as my part, but it still feels empty to me…it’s just food that everyone makes on the same day…still don’t get it.

So when people ask me about it..part of me is confused about how it’s such a big deal to everyone…seriously.

So as I honed in my satellite on that ugly neighborhood in my heart…I noticed that since I graduated, since that phase of my life was over…there was less music in this season.

Cue the going-back-in-time music…..

The fall semester of my Senior year I held my Senior Voice Recital, in November. I was so excited because it was not required of my major as a Church Music emphasis, but the chair of the voice department told me she would like me to have a Senior recital. So my voice teacher and I worked on it beginning in my Junior year, coming up with material to start working on.  At some point I decided that the majority of my music would be Christmas music, and the November 16 date was perfect. I learned O Holy Night in French, a beautiful German Mary’s Lullaby, a Latin duet by Vivaldi with voice and Oboe, an aria from Handel’s Messiah How Beautiful Are the Feet, and a Ralph Vaughn Williams English lullaby.  I have the whole thing on VHS…if you like arias and lullabies, lol. (pictures below…and no, I don’t know what’s wrong with my face…I look horrible in all of the blue dress pics, but in my defense, someone else did my hair and makeup…from Fall 2004)

During that same month, I organized, planned, and rehearsed a worship team I had put together the month before as part of my internship, at my parent’s small church.

The first week of December was our Christmas concert for UCO, Friday and Sunday. I had been learning Christmas music since September.

To go from big fish in a small pond having participating in numerous music specials, groups, duets, and solos throughout my entire life and then this concentrated amount of Christmas performances in College, and ending up in a big church as a small fish..where we don’t do much with all the talent we have for Christmas is very discouraging, honestly.  And I just don’t know what to do with myself. I am participating in Imago Dei, and that’s great, but it’s just the start. I’m not saying I want to be the diva all star whatever. I’m just saying, I’m having a hard time with this season when I have nowhere to contribute. I don’t know where I fit. Where I belong. I don’t feel like I’m using the gifts…when I’m not using the gifts.

I know choirs are old school and blah blah blah. But I truly believe we could make something really beautiful and non-cheesy in a setting even like our church. For as large a size a church as we are, I truly believe we are doing a disservice by not doing something with all the talented voices in our church who may not all necessarily be soloists, but can sing, and put in the right environment, or in the right group, with the right direction, could be something truly beautiful and glorifying to God.

So I guess you can say I’m a Christmas music addict and I’m going through serious withdrawals. But I did enjoy the remembering. I’m trying to figure out what I need to do to work through this “neighborhood”.

so what?

don’t care.

//

the reality is there is stuff under the surface that i just started identifying why i’ve started feeling all bah-humbug-y

just identified a few things tonight. so i’ll keep processing and trying to pray about it.

pray for me?

and if anyone has any suggestions that don’t include ‘be thankful’ go for it.

Table for two from last year or the year before

A true comfort food, mashed sweet potatoes are delicious, and so simple to make. I have made this recipe for about 7 years or more, since I was a college student. I have been using the America’s Test Kitchen recipe for the whole time, and I love it. It only uses 5 ingredients, if you count the salt and pepper. Doesn’t take a lot of work, most of the time it’s cooking will be covered. So you have plenty of time to cook everything else that needs to be done!

Serves: 4
Prep time: 5 minutes (time it takes to chop them up)
Total time: 50 minutes

This recipe can be doubled with two provisions: Use a large dutch oven and double the cooking time 

INGREDIENTS

• 2 pounds of sweet potatoes (3 medium)
  peeled , quartered lengthwise, sliced 1/4 thick
• 4 tablespoons (1/2 stick) unsalted butter, cut into 4 pieces
  *Do not use anything other than real butter, preferably unsalted as it affects the flavor significantly*
• 2 tablespoons heavy cream
  *I’m using half and half tomorrow as it’s cheaper, I’ve used milk before too, but the creamier the better*
• 1 teaspoon sugar
• 1/2 teaspoon salt
• pinch of pepper

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Combine the sweet potatoes, butter, cream, sugar, salt, and pepper in a large saucepan.
2. Cover and cook over low heat, stirring occasionally, (check every 10-15 minutes) until the potatoes fall apart when poked with a fork, about 40 minutes.
3. Remove the pan from the heat and mash potatoes with a potato masher until smooth. Serve and enjoy!

For the best flavor, braise sweet potatoes in butter and cream BEFORE mashing them.

LJ’s NOTES

It’s crucial to keep the potatoes covered, as part of the process of softening the sweet potatoes is key. The moisture in the potatoes circulates throughout the pan almost like a self steamer/pressure cooker. Just trust me, it totally works!

By cooking it this way it doesn’t boil away the flavor or nutrients that disappear when boiling. Just make sure you allow enough time for it to cook, it takes longer than you think, because it’s working hard to cook itself.

Let me know if you try my favorite recipe :)

Happy Thanksgiving!

• 9,158,400 seconds
• 152,640 minutes
• 2544 hours
• 15 weeks (rounded down)

Or 140 days if you count from my first day in Colorado.

But for all of my life I’ve identified myself as an MK.

I never did get used to the term missionary for myself. Probably one of the many indicators that would lead to my exiting the organization I had joined.

I have slowed down my blogging in the past week, almost out of exhaustion. I’ve little else to say, I’ve said so much in the first 16 days. But I’ve also not moved forward in any ways in the past few days. On Sunday I said it was beginning to smell like hope… but the past two days of being at home do nothing to remedy my situation.

Francis Chan refers to the idea of the spiritual life being like one of swimming upstream. You can’t stop swimming, otherwise you start going backwards. I can totally see that. It’s easy to sprint ahead and then glide on the speed you’ve set for yourself…but then you start going backwards, even when you’re just stopping for a break, a breather, stalling.

I must keep moving forward or get swept away in the rushing down stream.

I have to continue to fight for the time spent getting away with the Lord. Quieting my heart, opening my ears to hear.  And as I seek guidance desperate that a clue will appear. Courage. Wisdom. Direction. Light on the step ahead. My head spins in so many directions I’m completely unsure where it will slow down. What does it smell like, what color is it, what shape is it? How and where do I fit in the grand scheme of life.  What risks and faith leaps do I need to take next? Is it possible to get through all this without being continually wounded and discouraged at doors that don’t budge or shut in my face? What door? Does it even resemble a door? Will I even recognize it?

So I sit in these questions. And seek.

*not gonna lie…definitely have Amy Grant’s Lead Me On playing in my head…so I looked it up for your viewing pleasure. I totally used to watch this on TV. ha!