freaking out

so i’m really starting to freak out. running out of time to get ready, out of time to earn money working, and completely out of money for my bills and car stuff that has to happen before i leave.

i realize that God is with me, and that he won’t abandon me. He will never leave or forsake me, he is always with me. My God shall supply all my needs. He is my provider.

he is right here. with. me.

but how can i doubt him for getting me this far?

for the blessing, favor and encouragement of singing on the worship team, joining on the day i arrive, on Monday?

so even though it’ll feel a little like the first day of school, like a freshman, like a newbie… it’s okay. it’s all part of the process.

it is sooo easy to get caught up in all the little things that are overwhelming me, like the massive amount of money I need just to take care of my car, and registration, and tires and smog checked, and the gas money and hotel money for my trip…

God help me…it’s going to be a long…fast week.

blog without a title.

I disagree…that ‘it doesn’t matter what you do…‘ with every fiber of my being.

I agree that character is important. Integrity is important.

I agree that a job/career doesn’t define you. I agree that we should find our purpose in Christ and our worth and fulfillment in Christ.
But.

 

I believe each of us are gifted and talented  in unique ways and I am always frustrated when I hear this sort of “advice” with a lack of sound Biblical backing.

Deep within me in the core of my soul and who I am made, I long to see passionate people doing what they were made to do, I believe there is more to life than the weekend. It makes me sad that it’s all many people have to look forward. I mean, I love Sundays, but I’m pretty sure that’s not what people are talking about when they say they can’t wait for the weekend.  I think something is wrong with the system and it frustrates me. We send people to school and tell them great and exciting things, but fail to prepare them for the confusion of the workforce and the real world. Don’t even get me started on interviews and applications and “the system”. There must be a better balance? There must be a better way.

Making money (for the sake of making money) makes me miserable.

I believe we can serve the church and God’s kingdom both inside and outside the church. I am still trying to figure out how to best serve God in the confines of “work” and what that looks like.

I believe it is bad advice. What good is a Christian worker if they care nothing about their job? I’m not in that place. I don’t know if I’ll ever be in that place. But it would’ve been un-real of me not to say this. I wouldn’t be honest with myself if I was worried about offending someone.

I love Derek’s perspective, that we should be pouring more of our lives into living and sharing the gospel, and going into all the world and planning our lives around that

instead of a spouse
and a house
and two point five
kids
an american dream
that looks more like a trap
than it does a dream
Church,
CHURCH BODY:

DREAM BIGGER DREAMS!

*

“feed my sheep”
“I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.” (Jn. 10:10)
“I am the WAY, the TRUTH and the LIFE” (Jn. 14)

Core Sins: Connections (part 3)

I drew this chart (click to enlarge) with my high tech colored pencils using the Enneagram to look at possible connections between related sins. It is crazy how it works and it makes total sense. Each core sin has 2 wings, one on each side, those sins are like occasional sin tendencies…from what I understand.

There are your core, wings, and security and stress.

In the above picture, you have an incoming arrow and an outgoing arrow to each number, the incoming arrow is a sin you may fall into when you are relaxed and secure, like being at home. The outgoing arrow is a stressor, when you are under pressure you may resort to that sin.

I tried to break it down for at least 7 of the sins on the other page/pic.  There are 9 total, 2 are missing…simply because I ran out of room on this page.

I also found it easier to figure out what my core sin was by looking at the personality types 1-9, (based on the Enneagram as described in the first post here) to help me figure it out. If I hadn’t done so,  I would have no idea that I had the core sin of Envy, but when you start seeing how the core sin relates to the other sins it starts making a lot of sense!!

Using the chart I made with Envy as the core sin ,you can see that the two wings are Lying & Greed. The incoming arrow, which is the security sin is Anger. I totally see this played out in my life..when I am at home and around family I have a tendency of getting angry easily, whereas when I’m around friends or work or the like, I would not be likely to act out in anger, raise my voice or yell.  The outgoing arrow in this case is Pride, which is the stress sin. So, the way this plays out is when I am under stress or a lot of pressure, I would revert to Pride…an example is if I am doing something, such as a project or task and under pressure but don’t want to ask for help, out of pride…I think that’s how that one works.

And so on with each different sin type.

Mind blown? haha, mine was, for sure!

Read all 3 posts in the series:
1: Core Sins: Envy & the Enneagram
2: Defining Envy – Word study and Scriptures
3: Connections – from one sin to another

Core Sins: ENVY Word Study and Notes (part 2)

(This is a little chart I made myself after interpreting the way in which the sins relate from one to another, based on the Enneagram, as mentioned in my last post, click to read and or to see the colored enneagram chart I drew)

Envy defined by Merriam-Webster:

noun. a painful awareness of another’s possessions or advantages and a desire to have them too

verb. to have a resentful awareness of and desire for (another’s possessions or advantages) or to feel resentment toward (someone) over possessions or advantages

The dictionary in my mac, New Oxford American Dictionary defines it this way:

noun. a feeling of discontented or resentful longing aroused by someone else’s possessions, qualities, or luck

That word discontent strikes me more than the other definitions.

While envy is a new word to my self-awareness and understanding, I can assure you that I have struggled with discontent and discontentedness my entire life – from high school to the present.

Some lovely synonyms to this ugly word:

• discontent
• jealousy
• covetousness, to covet
• resentment
• bitterness

ewww.

Now that we have a grasp of what this word actually means and looks like…Let’s jump into a concordance and see how many times we can find this and it’s synonyms in the Bible..

I can tell you right now it’s in the ten commandments. Dangit! So much for trying to be perfect…

WORD STUDY: Envy and some of the synonyms listed above (using the ESV)

• ENVY/ENVIOUS – found 16 times as Envy, and 5 references to Envious. Here’s an example:
  A tranquil heart gives life to the flesh, but envy makes the bones rot. (Proverbs 14:30 ESV) mmm. pretty.
• DISCONTENT – didn’t get any results, but I found 10 verses about being CONTENT
  Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. (Philippians 4:11 ESV) (Oh, how I envy Paul…I think I’m getting snarky…sorry..)
• JEALOUS/JEALOUSY – 28 references (gets a little confusing since God is a jealous God…but probably half of those refer to the sin of Jealousy, rather than his righteous jealousy…) and 38 references for Jealousy. Yikes.
  For jealousy makes a man furious, and he will not spare when he takes revenge. (Proverbs 6:34 ESV)
  But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast and be false to the truth. This is not the wisdom that comes down from above, but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice. (James 3:14-16 ESV)
• COVET – 8 times, once as COVETOUS, and 2 times as COVETED, and once as COVETING. “‘And you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife. And you shall not desire your neighbor’s house, his field, or his male servant, or his female servant, his ox, or his donkey, or anything that is your neighbor’s.’ (Deuteronomy 5:21 ESV)

A Bible story that my mentor shared with me was very helpful for me, to put perspective to this, especially when I have thoughts like:

• When will I get my turn, in life, relationship, or career?
• What about me?
• I want what they have.
• I wish I had ____.

It sure sounds alot like the words Miriam uttered about Moses: And they said, “Has the LORD indeed spoken only through Moses? Has he not spoken through us also?” And the LORD heard it. (Numbers 12:2 ESV) Then the Lord was angry and spoke to all three, Moses, Miriam and Aaron, and Miriam was leprous, then Moses prayed for healing and So Miriam was shut outside the camp seven days… (Numbers 12a:15 ESV) and then that was the end of that. Check out the whole passage, it’s really fascinating and really puts it all into perspective.

Next and lastly I will show you some connections I made, from the two charts I drew last night.

Read all 3 posts in the series:
1: Core Sins: Envy & the Enneagram
2: Defining Envy – Word study and Scriptures
3: Connections – from one sin to another

Core Sins: ENVY and TYPE FOUR – Study and Notes 1

This is just a resource as I post my discoveries, research and links to figuring out how to deal with my core sin, or signature sin, as we have been going through our Welcome Home series @SandalsChurch, and to share these with friends who have similarities, or if you want to look into your own core sin further. First of all: Start with Scripture! Prepare to have your mind blown…

Using this page on the Enneagram and Myers-Briggs (Personality test), skimming through this book by Richard Rohr, The Enneagram: A Christian Perspective, Monvee, a very helpful spiritual assesment tool, that I found via John Ortberg’s The Me I Want to Be, and a bit of discerning googling, and the Signature sins as outlined by Pastor Matt Brown on Sunday:

1. Anger – the need to be perfect
2. Pride – the need to be needed
3. Lying – the need to succeed
4. Envy – the need to be unique
5. Greed – the need to possess
6. Fear – the need for security
7. Gluttony – the need to avoid pain
8. Lust – the need to conquer
9. Laziness – the need to avoid

I’m an ENFP/ESFP…and I have the need to be unique..which lands me at Type Four, which the first link above calls the Romantic/Artist. I had no idea I had Envy….no idea until I took the Monvee and read the chapter on Type Fours in Richard Rohr’s book.  There are parts of Seven and Threes that I relate to as well.

START HERE if you want to know more about what the Enneagram is: http://www.enneagraminstitute.com/intro.asp

and here – FAQ

TYPE FOUR – For more info about FOURS

Romantic/Artist - Intuitive, reserved type. Self-aware, sensitive, introspective, and gentle. Individualistic, expressive, and personal, but can also be too moody and self-conscious. They dwell in their fantasies, feeling different, melancholy, and exempt from ordinary ways of living. Become impractical, self-indulgent, and self-pitying; problems with self-inhibition.

Examples: Calista Flockhart, Wynona Ryder, (from http://business.nmsu.edu/~dboje/teaching/490_psl/step_9.htm)

Type Four: The Individualist
The Sensitive, Introspective Type: Expressive, Dramatic, Self-Absorbed, and Temperamental Fours are self-aware, sensitive, and reserved. They are emotionally honest, creative, and personal, but can also be moody and self-conscious. Withholding themselves from others due to feeling vulnerable and defective, they can also feel disdainful and exempt from ordinary ways of living. They typically have problems with melancholy, self-indulgence, and self-pity. At their Best: inspired and highly creative, they are able to renew themselves and transform their experiences.
(from http://www.enneagraminstitute.com/QUEST/quest_results.asp)

For a longer description of a FOUR read this: http://www.enneagraminstitute.com/TypeFour.asp It’s fascinating!

Personal growth for FOURS: http://www.enneagraminstitute.com/4growth.asp

Additional Enneagram Assessment Online Tools – (Use your discernment)

• 
  http://www.9types.com/
  
• 
  http://www.enneagraminstitute.com/quest.asp
  
  

Read the rest of the series of 3 posts:
2: Defining Envy – Word study and Scriptures

3: Connections – from one sin to another

C. S. Lewis on the importance of being real

I know all about the despair of overcoming chronic temptations. It is not serious, provided self-offended petulance, annoyance at breaking records, impatience etc. don’t get the upper hand. No amount of falls will really undo us if we keep on picking ourselves up each time. We shall of course be very muddy and tattered children by the time we reach home. But the bathrooms are all ready, the towels put out, and the clean clothes in the airing cupboard. The only fatal thing is to lose one’s temper and give it up.

It is when we notice the dirt that God is most present in us: it is the very sign of His presence.

 

in a rut

That is my confession. Stuck.
The best way I knew how to put it in small group was that my heart is not right. Not good, not bad, just not right. And then I read this passage that hit me, and I could see a picture very vividly of the condition of my heart or soul, maybe.

Still feeling meh.

I sleep all day and have nowhere to be and nothing required of me. Rut.

have you been there?

scars

Isn’t it interesting that The Resurrected Jesus appeared with scars, not physically healed, but with evidence; with scars of the crucifixion and torture that had broken him, and literally broken his heart. These scars confirmed to his disciples that he was who he said he was. (Luke 24:39 below, also John 20:27)

“See my hands and my feet, that it is I myself. Touch me, and see. For a spirit does not have flesh and bones as you see that I have.”

I would like to explore this further in connection with the idea that Oswald Chambers planted about being thankful for broken hearts, because we are so selfish about our broken hearts. Why me? Why us? etc. Not that it’s bad to grieve, I’m not speaking about that at all. Grieve we must. But we must move from that point and recognize that life is not all about us and that God can use our brokenness, and that he can use us in spite of our brokenness. But aren’t his (Chambers’) words just beautiful? Please go back and read that quote.

If God can accomplish His purposes in this world through a broken heart, then why not thank Him for breaking yours?

Why do we try so hard to ignore our broken hearts?
or worse, why do we walk around with our broken heart as our identity?

Why do we try to hide our broken hearts?
Why do we try to act like we are whole? Sure we can be healed, but there will still be scars.

Why are we so AFRAID to reveal our SCARS?

I am proud of my scars. My battle scars reveal & remind.

When I was 5 years old I was living it up as an MK in a 1 bedroom hut with a cement floor, thatched roof, complete with outdoor plumbing (squatty potty).  One day I was happily playing outside in the dirt with toy weapons made out of bamboo.  I had sharpened a bit of bamboo into a “toy” knife, with a sharp tip, and somehow it made it’s way into my leg. (You know, typical youngster mischief). Afraid that I would be in trouble, I hid the wound by wearing tights, despite the humid tropical weather.  Not surprisingly, the wound became infected and we had to use a very hot washcloth as a compress to draw out the infection, which ended up being worse punishment than anything else would’ve been.

To this day, I still have that scar, and I proudly tell my story, when the occasion calls for scar stories.

Would it be so bad if more of us shared our scars, instead of hiding them under a veil of secrecy?

I think scars make us more human.  Everyone has them. Stop covering them with opaque pink tights on a hot, humid summer day.