un.title.d

.the truth is
that i’m anxious
worried, concerned
it’s totally minor
but as fears go…
it feels more than minor
trapped, tension,
questions,
hopes
deferred.

.how is it that the one thing that i love so much can hurt so much because it’s a [not now/not yet] season?

if that “one day” will ever come. or that other one day. when all will be right. will it ever be – all right? ALLL right?

.truth is that he’s in charge and everything will be okay.

.it just doesn’t make sense right now
and next steps are covered in question marks.

?
??
???

.i’m terrible at this long distance thing
i need to reach out more
the loneliness is wearing on me
my strength is fading
i can’t keep up.

.the fact that i’m where i am supposed to be doesn’t change. that i’m trying to have a good attitude about my circumstances  - it takes work. but what happens when you do your best and it’s not enough?

.when you’re left feeling empty and dry and weary soul.

when the weekend never seems long enough.

and yet…i have one small idea of .why.  i am where i am.

to walk in the shoes. experience it. feel it.

.i’ve already got a couple songs outta this…

.sometimes i wonder why i do this. why i bother baring my soul and heart. and then i remember why. because it helps me. and it helps me know that friends know that i’m not ok.

 

and the world keeps flying by.

and i’ll try to keep holding on.

I Need A Father by Starfield

Hold me somebody
Don’t let me be alone
Love me, stay with me
I am dying to be known
My heart cries out

I need a Father
Whose love will never fail me
A friend like no other
Whose trusted arms will hold me
I need a Father

I am wounded
But I tuck the pain away
Free me, heal me
I don’t want to be afraid
My heart cries out

Here’s my heart
Be tender, please
Let me know your love for me
Here’s my heart
I’m on my knees
I will trust
‘Cause I believe

You are my Father
Your love will never fail me
A friend like no other
Your trusted arms will hold me
You are my Father

on the table

open heart surgery.

that’s what right now feels like.

but not in a bad way.

feeling worked on, worked in, and worked out.

molded, shaped

emptied

refined

 

where i am supposed to be.

glad to be growing.

have you been undragoned?

Eustace as a dragon, original artwork by Pauline Baynes

As I turn every page of this book (Having a Mary Spirit) I’m just so amazed at how timely it is that I’m reading this, as well as that of the sermon on Sunday [Learn to Look Within]. I reread this section below a couple times, and then a third time as I typed this excerpt. It’s about a story out of the Voyage of the Dawn Treader. The Chronicles of Narnia was read to me as a young girl, so much of the story is very familiar, including this particular story below, but I’ve never read the books myself. I think it’s about time for me to begin to read it for myself, as this story resonated deeply as I thought about the process I find myself in. As layer after layer is shed, as I become more and more pliable, more and more refined like gold, shaped in the hands of the potter. I long to shed the knobbly, dark, ugliness of the dragon which I find myself in.

De-Dragoning//

In The Voyage of the Dawn Treader, C. S. Lewis tracks the adventures of a boy named Eustace Grubb. Obnoxious in the extreme, Eustace is always demanding his own way and is certain everyone is against him. When his ship Dawn Treader stops at an unknown island for repairs, the boy wanders off on his own. Stumbling across a great pile of treasure in an abandoned dragon’s lair, Eustace stuffs his pockets with jewels and gold and then falls asleep on the dragon’s hoard. As he sleeps, dark dragonish thoughts fill his heart, and Eustace wakes to find that he himself has become a dragon.

Dismayed by this and other events, Eustace wants to be different. He tries to be different. But at the end of every day, he remains the same–a boy trapped inside a dragon’s body.

Then one night Eustace meets the great lion Aslan, who leads him to a clear pool. Certain the water will ease his discomfort, Eustace decides to bath. But Aslan tells him he must undress first. Three times Eustace scratches at his scales and sheds his dragonish skin. But each time he does, he finds yet another layer underneath.

“You have to let me undress you.” the Lion tells him. Here’s how Eustace describes it:

“The very first tear he made was so deep that I thought it had gone right into my heart. And when he began pulling the skin off, it hurt worse than anything I’ve ever felt. The only thing that made me able to bear it was just the pleasure of feeling the stuff peel off . . . Well, he peeled the beastly stuff right off — just as I thought I’d done myself the other three times, only they hadn’t hurt — and there it was lying in the grass: only ever so much thicker, and darker and more knobbly looking than the others had been.”

Naked and trembling Eustace bathes in the pool and is once again a boy. Aslan gives him a new set of clothes and transports him back to the beach where the ship waits.

Back to his new life. His transformed life.

How we all need de-dragoning, every single one of us. Left to ourselves we can only scratch and claw at our dragonish skin. We make small amounts of progress, but little semblance of change. Until we lay our lives before the great Lion of Judah, asking Him to do the transforming work, our efforts at self-improvement will only yield one layer of dragonish skin after another.

Perhaps that’s why Paul implores us to, in view of God’s mercy, offer ourselves “as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God” (Romans 12:1).

dreaming…part 2

I shared with you what Justin’s been teaching us at Co+op lately…

God has called me to tell a story WITH my life rather than just the story of my life.

I want so bad to do this. . . to step into the next season…to be moving forward…to be serving…living … abundantly … flourishing … joyfully … I have some key pieces that I want to offer back to my King. I want to use the gifts. I don’t want to hide them under a bushell…NO!

I feel so caught up in the how…that I don’t know what my next steps are.

It’s hard to know what to commit to and what to hold back…

There are so many varieties of ministries I could serve in. I would like to focus on music/worship team stuff, but I would also love to help the creative/visual arts team. There’s kids…but I don’t like more than a few kids at a time. I like babysitting…but classrooms full of kids aren’t my thing. I love creating. I love dreaming, I love throwing around ideas around a table, brainstorming together as a team. There’s co+op, and women’s ministries, and visual arts team and so much more. There’s the abolitionists team..but I think my best contribution with them is through music, like for the Imago Dei event back in September.

I have these key words…these key pieces that I want to use…and yet I don’t know how..where…how often…in what ways….and then I don’t know where to begin looking for a job…career…whatever…

My dreams, goals, plans, and passions have always been connected, work and ministry has always been something that I’ve wanted to combine. I know you can do ministry wherever you are…but I’ve always seen, thought, felt, and believed that for me it was…full time vocational church music ministry. I don’t even know what steps to take to get there. Where ‘there’ even is. What ‘there’ looks like. What a single next step is. How to set goals that would be practical…and wise…I’ve pursued a music degree…I volunteer, I sing BGV’s, I lead, I plan, I write. I’d love to go to seminary…I just don’t want to take on any more debt right now, until my finances are under control and I have an emergency savings and other savings and started paying off my undergrad loans.

My grandpa was a pastor. A preacher of the Word. My dad was a missionary. A translator of the Word. I am a singer, a worship warrior. I sing and communicate the Word through song. There’s more to it than that…but in the most simple way… that’s the best way I can put it.

I feel like I’ve had so many random unconnected jobs. I feel like I’m a victim of open door syndrome. I walk through the doors that are open. Is that wrong? I was accepted to Campus Crusade…does that mean I should’ve said yes?  I don’t know. But I know that I was where I was supposed to be at the time. I feel like a victim of the stupid economy even though I believe that God is bigger than the economy.

I feel limited in my own abilities…not good enough to do stuff on my own…not that I even want to…I love teams…groups…belonging…being a part…I can write a few songs…but not enough on my own….I can barely play piano…I can’t wait for my spouse to show up before I start living…I know that…I just don’t know how to do this on my own.

just broken shards of clay. hoping to shine a little light through.

going back to basics

…back to the beginning. I mentioned in my last post, all things new, that I am going back to the basics and relearning those things.

I can’t help but think of the Sound of Music when she says, “Let’s start at the very beginning, A very good place to start”

Just thinking about beginnings leads me to think of other songs, such as In the beginning by Bethany Dillon, from John 1:1, one of my favorite scripture songs.

Anyways..back to what I was saying at the start of this post. Basics. I don’t know why but I need to believe that I am loved, even though I know this truth, and I sing it and believe it every single time we sing One Thing Remains…  Some small part of me doesn’t, I guess. Not easy to admit, but it’s there. I tell others the very truth I don’t fully believe myself.

I wonder what the peace that passes understanding feels like. I wonder what it’s like to be fulfilled. I wonder what it’s like to have dreams come true. I wonder if I really believe that God has plans for me, plans for a future. I wonder if I’ll ever marry, when and if I’ll ever meet him. I wonder if I’ll ever have a stable, enjoyable, job that I love, doing what I was made to do. I wonder what it even looks like, let alone if it will ever happen to me. I wonder when I’ll stop feeling needy and fragile and lifeless. I wonder… Here I am, in all my brokenness.

And so back to the basics I go.

all things new

As we sang these words Sunday night, I felt comforted by this truth, reminded that the Lord’s mercies are new every morning. I love fresh starts. They are open and free and the possibilities are vast. I just made a huge decision. So here I am, back at the start, anxious but expectant. Trying to keep the anxiety from taking over as I slowly delve back into looking for a job. Quoting Matthew 6:24 to myself constantly. But also wondering if there are other paths for me to take. What they are. What they look like.

Ready to get back to being myself. To have joy again.

Don’t get me wrong, this is not an undo or a do-over. I’m simply moving on. I was where I was supposed to be for much of the past year. I made amazing friends, some of whom rock my socks off at their awesomeness and their willingness and passion to do what I couldn’t do. I got to take a couple amazing seminary classes through the training we went through. I got to do so much and learn and grow so much through this entire process. I hope that this month and the coming days and weeks I can feel and experience the presence of God. That the work he has been doing inside me, in my soul and in my heart, the molding and the shaping, the pruning and the refining, that slowly some buds of fruit would begin to open. That healing would continue, that my eyes would be opened to things I don’t see, and don’t even know what wounds exist, that I would be strengthened and rely fully on the Lord, that I would find all my delight in the Lord, that he alone would be my source and my joy. Going back to some of the basics and relearning and trusting again.

that’s me…as november begins. the best month of all ;)

scars

Isn’t it interesting that The Resurrected Jesus appeared with scars, not physically healed, but with evidence; with scars of the crucifixion and torture that had broken him, and literally broken his heart. These scars confirmed to his disciples that he was who he said he was. (Luke 24:39 below, also John 20:27)

“See my hands and my feet, that it is I myself. Touch me, and see. For a spirit does not have flesh and bones as you see that I have.”

I would like to explore this further in connection with the idea that Oswald Chambers planted about being thankful for broken hearts, because we are so selfish about our broken hearts. Why me? Why us? etc. Not that it’s bad to grieve, I’m not speaking about that at all. Grieve we must. But we must move from that point and recognize that life is not all about us and that God can use our brokenness, and that he can use us in spite of our brokenness. But aren’t his (Chambers’) words just beautiful? Please go back and read that quote.

If God can accomplish His purposes in this world through a broken heart, then why not thank Him for breaking yours?

Why do we try so hard to ignore our broken hearts?
or worse, why do we walk around with our broken heart as our identity?

Why do we try to hide our broken hearts?
Why do we try to act like we are whole? Sure we can be healed, but there will still be scars.

Why are we so AFRAID to reveal our SCARS?

I am proud of my scars. My battle scars reveal & remind.

When I was 5 years old I was living it up as an MK in a 1 bedroom hut with a cement floor, thatched roof, complete with outdoor plumbing (squatty potty).  One day I was happily playing outside in the dirt with toy weapons made out of bamboo.  I had sharpened a bit of bamboo into a “toy” knife, with a sharp tip, and somehow it made it’s way into my leg. (You know, typical youngster mischief). Afraid that I would be in trouble, I hid the wound by wearing tights, despite the humid tropical weather.  Not surprisingly, the wound became infected and we had to use a very hot washcloth as a compress to draw out the infection, which ended up being worse punishment than anything else would’ve been.

To this day, I still have that scar, and I proudly tell my story, when the occasion calls for scar stories.

Would it be so bad if more of us shared our scars, instead of hiding them under a veil of secrecy?

I think scars make us more human.  Everyone has them. Stop covering them with opaque pink tights on a hot, humid summer day.

Thanking God for broken hearts

“We are not sanctified for ourselves.

The first thing God does is get us grounded on strong reality and truth. He does this until our cares for ourselves individually have been brought into submission to His way for the purpose of His redemption. Why shouldn’t we experience heartbreak? Through these doorways God is opening up ways of fellowship with His Son. If God can accomplish His purposes in this world through a broken heart, then why not thank Him for breaking yours?

You are not your own.”
-from My Utmost for His Highest, by Oswald Chambers

That’s quite an interesting way of thinking about it, huh? What are your thoughts?

<3
lorijo